Swinging Defined

"Engagement in sexual activity with someone other than one's spouse or primary partner, with the full knowledge and consent of that spouse/primary partner" (Friend, Pearlmutter, McGinney 1989), and "recreational social-sexual sharing among consenting adults" (McGinney 1980). In practical terms, this translates into married couples, and couples in committed and casual relationships, engaging in social-sexual activity with other couples outside of their relationship. It is very different from cheating, however, because everyone involved are mutual participants, free of guilt, dishonesty and deceit. In other words, a couple in a relationship has openly discussed and agreed that such social-sexual interactions with others is ok.


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My husband wants to try swinging...

My husband wants to try swinging. I'm not comfortable with the idea, but I'm happy he feels comfortable enough to tell me these things. Now I am feeling pressured into trying it. Should I try it to make him happy?

Probably not. If you are feeling pressured, either this is not the road you should be taking or the time is not right. It can be difficult enough to feel comfortable entering this lifestyle without compounding it by trying it just to make your spouse happy. Communication is the key. Tell him how you feel.


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How do I convince my wife to participate?

I do hope you are interested in approaching your wife, not talking your wife into swinging. As you learn about the lifestyle you will realize one partner does not talk the other partner into anything. Each decision, starting with the decision to discuss swinging involves mutual consent of both partners. Even if one partner was able to manipulate the other partner into doing something they had not fully agreed to do, their participation in the lifestyle would quickly bring issues to the surface.

One key element of lifestyle participation is built upon the rights of each partner to freely act upon their own choices within the bounds of their relationship. Any hint that one partner is being coerced, manipulated or forced to participate would severely limit the couples' acceptance with other lifestyle couples.

Most therapists will confirm that the most common problem couples have is communication. Add a subject as emotionally charged as sexuality, and especially sex with outside partners, to the discussion and the communication levels can deteriorate before your eyes. There are two places to start. Have her check out this Web Site. She can get an idea of the type of club we are, the people involved in it and address her emotional safety concerns.

But guys, watch out! There is an old proverb "be careful what you ask for". While in most cases it is the male who introduces the idea of swinging, it is often the woman who embraces its philosophy and activities more readily than males. The liberating effects of the lifestyle can be an aphrodisiac for women and the males often have a difficult time with the change of behavior.

Just remember, there is no such thing as one partner being a "swinger" while the other partner is not, or does not know. Such a situation would be as much a violation of trust as any other case of adultery or an outside affair.


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How do we know if swinging will be OK for us?

At this point both you and your partner are investigating this lifestyle together. You have probably done a great deal of talking about the pros and cons of this lifestyle. Now is the time for each of you to ask yourself and your partner certain questions with regard to your own relationship and your own individual feelings. You don't know what you don't know. We do have some questions as a starting point. Answer these questions honestly. You are answering these for you, no one else. If you are misleading, it will come back at you later, with a negative impact.

Do you understand that romantic love and recreational sex are two different things?

How will you feel when you see your partner obtaining sexual satisfaction with another person?

Are you doing this to please yourself or to please your partner?

What fantasies do you have and how would you like to go about fulfilling them? Can you fulfill them together?

Can you be totally, brutally honest with each other about everything?

Are you ready to accept an honest answer to your question - even if it's not the answer you wanted or expect to hear?

Are you completely committed to each other?

Can you be ready to "come to the aid" of your partner or keep your partner's well being and feelings foremost in your thoughts (check on your mate periodically - "Are you OK, Having fun, etc.") during your party experiences?

Can you stop in the middle of a sexual experience, if your partner really needs you?

Can you honestly tell your partner you love them after you watch them engage in sexual activities with another person?

How do you feel about bisexuality for yourself and/or your partner? (There are fewer male bisexuals in swinging than female, but you should discuss the topic, you may surprise yourself.)


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What if my partner is with someone who performs better than me?
I don't know if I could handle that.

This is a little tricky to answer. When asked, most people say that its not better or worse, but different. Being a different touch, or different feel, is what makes it exciting. Also, someone might have a technique that is more to your partners liking. But without the affection and feeling of security you bring your partner, it is doubtful that another person could even compare to what you have to offer your partner. People in this life style are not in it to find another life partner. You will still be the one that your partner goes home with at the end of the night.


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If I join a club, or enter the lifestyle, do I have to have sex with everyone?

Not at all. Usually everyone's policy and philosophy is "No means no." Believe it or not, it is harder to meet couples that you connect with than you probably think. Most couples have their own "rules" or situations that they personally feel comfortable in.

For example, one couple might have a "rule" where safe sex is the only sex. Another couple might feel comfortable having unprotected sex. (Most clubs promote safe sex and ask its members to practice safe sex, but we are talking reality here.) Issues like this would stop a couple from advancing.

In fact, you may go to many dances and functions before finding a couple you would feel comfortable with. Also, many last minute issues arise, like a woman having her period or a man having a cold (cough, cough) that prevents them from pursuing more intimate pleasures. They still come to the dances, catch up with their friends and make new friends and enjoy the atmosphere of socializing with others in the lifestyle. . It is important to note here that part of being respectful is not leading on another person or couple into thinking you will have sex when that is not your plan.


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How do I tastefully tell a couple that we are not interested?

How do you handle a situation where a couple is showing interest in playing with you, but for whatever reasons, there is no attraction or interest in getting together? (You like this couple socially, but not as prospective play partners)

Not everyone is attracted to everyone else. So you need to say to them in the tone of the question that was asked above. It is stated with kindness, concern and without sounding like rejection. Everyone is afraid of hurting another's feelings. No one likes rejection, from children to adults - it's human. Just say "No Thank You". Since it appears you have a friendship with this couple it seems harder. There does not have to be an explanation for who is attracted to whom. Whatever the karma or kismet is, a polite answer is the best. There is usually no need to get into details of why.

Be honest. We are all adults here and have most definitely been in that position ourselves. Honesty is a big part of this lifestyle. Honesty between partners and among each other. If you are not interested, just tell them.

Getting two people together is tuff, but four or more? WOW Just remember "no" is not rejection it is just a statement. There are no easy answers but follow your instincts, use common sense and be sensitive.


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We are going to our first house party.
Were looking forward to playing with other couples. Any advice?

Go with the flow. If it is your first party and you really don't know many people, its probably not a great idea to walk in with any expectations. We all like to play, but sometimes, for many reasons, it just doesn't seem to be working out that way. Don't force yourself into a situation because you came with the expectation of playing. If you don't enjoy their company, there's a good chance that you would not enjoy anything else they have to offer.


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Etiquette

As in any social activity, there are expected rules of conduct in swinging.
Following the rules is an effective way to make yourself welcome within the swinging community.

Arrive on time. It isn't fashionable to arrive late to a swing party or event.

Arrive as a couple and leave as a couple when attending a swing dance or party. It is frowned upon by most hosts and other swinger when a partner, usually the women, departs leaving her mate at the party as a single.

Cleanliness and good grooming is essential for swinging participants. Be aware of your body and take care of it. Be especially aware of any body odor you may develop due to the physical nature of these activities. Even a kiss can be a turnoff if delivered with a breath heavy with the taste of cigarettes or liquor. Breath mints or gum are very helpful.

A good mental attitude and emotional health will make you popular in the swinging community. No one appreciates the negative person with nothing good to say about the party, other persons or swinging. The man or woman with the smile, ready laugh and obvious interest in others is the person others like to be around.

Everyone has the right of refusal, so you don't have to swing with a person unless you want to, and they don't have to swing with you. Be honest with your feelings and desires, and expect others to do the same. Only ask those you want to say "yes." If they say "No," take it graciously and don't try to coax, pressure or persuade them to change their mind. When you say "Yes" to others, be honest and enthusiastic. When you say "No," be tactful and courteous. But don't say "Maybe later" when you really mean "NO."

Don't take a "Ticket" to a swing party. A "ticket" is someone who has no intention of swinging, but is willing to go along to get someone else in. No one must swing at a party, of course, but if one person swings, it is expected that the other is willing and free to do the same. Don't take someone to a swing party who is not fully informed as to the nature of the party and their expected behavior.

The group room is for group swinging so if you want privacy, don't go to the group room. If you take your partner, or any other person to the group room to swing, you can expect others to ask to join you and your partner. (The right of refusal always applies, of course. Swinging in the group room doesn't automatically give others the right to join you nor you the right to join others.) Also, don't disturb the swinging enjoyment of others in a bedroom or other swing area with loud or prolonged talk.

Club swing parties have dues or donations. It is your responsibility to present it upon being checked in for a party. Don't make the hosts remind you or try to track you down through out the evening.

Don't be a bedroom "cruiser". Looking into bedrooms, pulling back curtains, turning on lights and going into private swing areas as a stag to see if you can get involved in something are major breaches of swinging etiquette. If you become known for such behavior, you may find that swing party invitations become few and far between.

Illegal substances, including marijuana, are prohibited at responsible swing clubs and private parties. Swinging is it's own pleasure, don't dilute it and don't subject yourself and other to legal problems. Going in and out of the party or dance to your car will be suspect. Don't do it!

If a party is BYOB (bring your own bottle), only drink what you bring. Never help yourself to what others have brought without their permission. This is another of the much violated rules of swinging etiquette, and one that causes anger among the party guests.

Tell the hosts if another guest causes a problem, won't take no for an answer, or is objectionable in any real way. They sincerely want to know so that they can correct the situation before it becomes a problem. Keeping problems and bad feelings to yourself only contributes tension to the situation.

If you like a club or party, say so. If it just isn't your thing, leave. To speak disparagingly of a party to the other guests is simply poor manners in any situation, swinging or not.


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What if I run into someone I know? I would be completely humiliated!

It's a small world and sooner or later you probably WILL run into someone you know. Club E.S.P. functions are for members only, so anyone you run into will be there for the same reasons as you. It would be pretty hard for them to call your neighbors and say, "I was at my swingers club last night and saw so and so..." Who knows, you may become "better friends".


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Does anyone ever feel used?

This question can be two fold. If you are feeling used by your partner, you need to get back to the communication table and talk. No one should be in this lifestyle who does not want to be there. The key element for participation is each person's right to choose freely within the bounds of their relationship. Any hint that one person is being manipulated or coerced to participate will limit the acceptance from other swingers.

If your concern is being used by other couples, then you need to define what you want from this lifestyle. Many people are looking just for the sex to bring erotic excitement to their relationship. Some people are looking for friendships even if just short term, to add spice to their relationship. Still others are looking for long term, emotional friendships, people they can add to their social schedules even after a Saturday night.

Once you have defined your swinging goals, you need to communicate that with potential partners. Recreational sex can be one time or shared again and again. If you meet a couple, share sexual activities and then they never call; it 's what they were looking for. It is not rejection. Next time take the time you need to build the relationship you are looking for.

Just as saying "no" is not rejection, having sex only one time is not "being used".


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Do people not find us attractive?
We have been to a few Club ESP functions and have never had any experiences with others.

Quite a few people in this lifestyle only have a few experiences a year. Could it be that you just haven't met any couples you "click with" yet? Here are a few tips:

Don't be a wall flower. Get out there and mingle. We are all here to meet new friends.
Don't overdo it with alcohol. There are few things less attractive than a drunk person or couple.
Don't be overbearing. Many people want to develop friendships first. Don't go with the expectation of having sex.


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We had our first experience the other night.
Aside from being strange, it felt sort of empty.

When we think of sex, we usually associate it with affection, intimacy and love. In a swinging situation, it is purely sexual, sometimes with a little chemistry thrown in. It can be a little hard to adjust to at first, to enjoy the sex without the other components mixed in.


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How do I dress for a function?

Dress as you would feel comfortable. If you think you might find yourself in a fun situation, try to avoid bras, panties or anything else that could get lost easily. If it is a house party, ask the host if they have any type of dress code. Usually they will tell you no nudity outside the house, and if dressing real sexy, maybe wear a long coat into the house, in case any neighbors might be out.

Attractive but casual party clothes are usually best. If you're attending an on-premise party, take a robe, negligee, or other slip-on attire. You may find it more comfortable as the evening continues. Keep money, jewelry and other valuables to a minimum. If they're lost, it's a problem for you and an embarrassment to your hosts.


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What about AIDS?

Most discussions on the lifestyle behavior will raise the issue of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases (STD). I will not be able to give a complete discussion and examination of the issue; I am not a medical professional. There are many books and references to just this situation. I will however respond as it relates to the lifestyle. Whenever there is a question about AIDS and the lifestyle, there seems to be a tone in the voice that conveys an accusing and moral judgment. The ultra-conservative groups have suggested that AIDS will cause us to return to the sexual restrictions of the early church and challenge any sexual behavior.

We are asked to believe "Sex causes AIDS". Sex does not cause AIDS. Certain sexual activities can expose an individual to AIDS, but sex itself does not cause AIDS any more than breathing causes pneumonia. In reality we do not know what causes AIDS except the connection with the HIV virus. Rather than teaching the general population that sex is bad and dangerous, we need to teach them how to enjoy their natural sexual behavior without the danger or fear of contracting any disease. I understand fully the seriousness of this horrible disease.

The pictured painted by those who would use AIDS to determine our moral behavior, is that any non-traditional sexual activity creates considerable risk. It is not sexual behavior but types of sexual activity that increase the risk of infection. There is a dramatic increase when a sexual encounter includes anal sex. The tissue lining in the anal walls is not designed for pounding, pressure or friction. With anal sex the tissue can become torn leaving an open wound. Intravenous drug use also creates considerable risk. AIDS is a blood disease. Risks of infection with "traditional" sexual behavior can exist, if there is an open wound or sore.

The vaginal wall is designed to handle the pounding, pressure and friction of sexual activity. However if there is an open wound, there is risk. The chemicals within the saliva break down infections contained in the semen. Therefore kissing or oral sex does not appear to be dangerous. Again remember any open wound can take in infection.

The conclusion is that it is not sexual behavior itself that leads to infection, but the manner in which this behavior is engaged. By knowing what behaviors place you at risk and restricting such behaviors, you can participate in a full and active sexual life.

This lifestyle is not about dying of a dark disease. Although we do not patrol bedrooms we encourage safe sex and encourage the use of condoms at our parities.


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Are there "cliques" in your club?

We first must remember what a clique is. Webster defines clique as " a small, exclusive set of people." I define a clique as "a group of people that are familiar with one another." When you walk into any environment, you look immediately for a familiar face. There is comfort in seeing people you know. At Club E.S.P. there are cliques as such, we like to be with people like us. However, at Club E.S.P. we also find many members who are busy all night getting to know other members and new faces.

Many times it seems as if people are in a clique because you have not familiarized yourself with them. Many times it is just the perception of cliques. Couples in the lifestyle enjoy meeting new people because they enjoy new experiences. If you are friendly, outgoing and pleasant, you will attract people in whom you will be interested, and who will be interested in you.

Couples tend to have their own set of "rules" or "guidelines" to govern the sexual activities they are willing to consider. Do you? If you do then you know there are situations and people you do not want to participate with. You would then naturally migrate to couples that think and fantasize closer to what you want to experience. This is not cliquish; it is comfort. Since a clique can be any size, who is to say it is all bad? Just find one that fits and try it on.


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Open? Closed? Soft? Does everyone swing the same way?

In swinging, there are as many different ways to swing, as there are swingers. There are three styles that fit every occasion. Choose what works best for you. No style is right or wrong, it is just a matter of whatever is preferable to each couple

OPEN SWINGING Having sex in the same room (possibly in the same bed) with your primary partner and another couple. The male will be with the female of the other couple and the female will be with the male of the other couple. There may or may not be any sexual contact between same sexes, depending on your choice of bisexuality. This is the choice of couples who prefer to be together at all times. In Open situations, there is no question of what is said or done, because everything is done together for all the parties concerned. This is also the choice of voyeurs/exhibitionists who enjoy watching mates while experiencing sexual enjoyment themselves. It can be very erotic to look up and smile at your partner while receiving pleasure from another. This situation can quite possibly lead to some variations of group sex and techniques that are not available in closed swinging.

CLOSED SWINGING Having sex in a separate room from your primary partner. The male will be with the female of the other couple in one room and the female with the other male in a different room or at a different time (but still together - not swinging "separately"). This allows the freedom (or the privacy) to 'discover' the person in a deeper way without the distractions of another couple in the same room. Closed swinging also allows the freedom to act out various fantasies without feeling you are being watched.

SOFT SWINGING Soft swinging involves teasing, foreplay and even oral sex with another couple prior to returning to your own partner for actual intercourse. Soft swingers prefer to keep actual intercourse between themselves and their primary partner, rather than sharing it with other people.

HOW TO CHOOSE No style is right or wrong, it is just a matter of what is preferable to each couple. A complication can arise when couples are attracted to each other and one couple prefers open, one couple prefers closed and one is a soft swing couple. Each couple has the right to choose the style of swinging that is right for them. However most swingers are willing to compromise and work around another couple's choices.

If what you want and what the other couple wants is a match, that is terrific! If not, and a compromise can not be reached, keep looking. As a couple you will have your rules. We always suggest you do not change those rules Saturday night. After a time in the lifestyle you may want to change your rules, discuss it with your partner during the light of day, not in the heat of passion. You may find new things out about yourselves and like those changes.


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Performance Anxiety

Your fantasy has come true. You are exploring sexual games with another woman, another couple, a group. This is so awesome; you have dreamed about this since you first discovered yourself as a kid. Now you discover things can be much different in real life than in fantasy. What is going on? Ahhh!! Dear God, not now!

Every male has heard that sooner or later he will be faced with the prospect of performance anxiety. Knowing this does not make the experience less traumatic. Lifestyle situations can increase the risk as well as the frequency of performance issues. Most females in the lifestyle are familiar with male performance anxiety and are very patient and understanding and can sometimes find ways to help "handle" the situation.

What causes this? The answer is very simple � comfort. In a normal dating relationship you usually do not have sex with someone until you are comfortable with them, and only you know what that time limit is. In the swinging lifestyle you could be playing around with someone you barely (no pun) know. You may have met over the Internet or may have met just an hour ago at a social and haven't really gotten comfortable. You're naked and having sex with a stranger. The other issue for men is their competitive nature. A man now places himself into a competitive situation; he must perform to his expectations, his partner's expectations, and now expectations that may not be realistic. The earth does not move with every sexual experience and to expect at every sexual encounter to show the ultimate expression of sexual prowess is unrealistic and unattainable. Do not place this unnecessary burden on yourself.

This competitive spirit works well for some, but for many it can deteriorate performance, cause performance anxiety and even penis envy. It may seem odd to speak of penis envy among men but Freud missed the point and it is not women who wish for a penis but men who feel "short-changed". Sex therapist are constantly asked about penis size. The stock answer (and the truth) is that size does not matter. Women want technique. If you do not think about you and your penis but think about her and her pleasure, then size matters very little (oops). The size that does matter is the size of your heart and your desire to please. Pornography portrays woman as enraptured by the penis-- it is a lie. Woman want oral sex. Woman love clitoral stimulation. Take the time to learn how each individual responds. A woman needs time. Ask you partner what they are into, what pleases them.

Performance anxiety can be found among the women also. There are different reasons and a different format but no less traumatic. Typically it is the male who approaches the idea of attending a lifestyle function. Many women then feel unattractive and inadequate. Why would her partner need to have new and different sexual partners? If her first experience is non-threatening, fun and at her speed, she will find those feeling are unfounded. A woman will realize that participation in the swinging lifestyle is more like "adding " to the primary relationship not "replacing" it. As women explore their own sexual and physical self they can become overwhelmed with the possibilities or uncomfortable with the image of their participation. Others view this as a green light to reject their self imposed restrictions and explore their sexual self. Sometimes you will see a complete personality change.

Each stage of performance anxiety needs to be addressed and talked about. Many times that is all that is needed. We each need to know our primary partner is in our corner. That is what makes this lifestyle so much fun.

Tips:

Avoid sex for a day or two before your planned encounter, give yourself time to get horney.
Keep alcohol to a minimum. A drink can help you to relax, too many drinks will make your little buddy relax also . . . not the desired result.
Don't 'mercy fuck' - be with someone that you're really not interested in so that your partner can be with their partner.
Don't date 'outside your species'. Let's face it, there are some people that you think are really hot, but that you're not comfortable with.


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I am finding it less enjoyable to be with my straight friends, does that mean I am changing?

Probably, but is that necessarily a bad thing? You are entering a lifestyle where people are more free to speak their minds and to have opinions that are outside the mainstream, especially on sexual issues. It can be a very liberating experience. To then be around your straight friends can then seem a little tense, that you have to hold back a joke or opinion you have. We are not saying that you will lose your straight friends, but with a little practice, you will find it easier to find the balance you need to walk on both sides of the fence. Chances are you "walk the fence" a bit now.

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