For New Couples: You Often Need Some Extra Time
Adapted from an old Club Eros/Silver Chain Newsletter
Each year a number of new couples attend functions at Club E.S.P.
seeking new friends for swinging and socializing. But many couples
attend only one or two dances and never return. Why?
First, let us look at why couples seek out swinging as a lifestyle.
There are many reasons. The most common reason is to share sexual
relationships with others. Along with these new sexual adventures, they
look for friendships. In swinging, couples can share their sexual
pleasures together as a couple.
Swinging is a social activity. Whether attending a party, meeting with
another couple privately, or engaging with a single person for a
threesome, the participants talk with one another, eat, drink, and
laugh, all with the purpose of becoming acquainted in order to sexually
enjoy one another. Sexual activity may or may not follow, however. Many
swingers have swinging friends they have known for month, even years,
that they have not been sexually involved with. Private, clubs, and
party houses offer a place to gather to swing. The environment is meant
to be one of social warmth and belonging. It is pleasurable to meet new
people, friends and acquaintances at a party. Pleasant memories come
from lounging, perhaps partially dressed or nude, in a group around the
fireplace; talking, listening to music, laughing and warming up to one
another. This may happen in a hot tub, Jacuzzi or pool as well. When
these social experiences are complimented by enjoyable sexual experience
the appeal of swinging is understood.
Though some couple who swing have open marriages and have swinging dates
apart, the majority of couples do not date separately. They see swinging
as an activity/lifestyle to enjoy together, as a part of their
With a club like E.S.P. that has a membership of couples
ranging in age from 25-55, it seems there should be someone for
everyone. Yet, sometimes at our functions, a few new couples attend their first
dance and are so shy to the the idea of meeting people, they never
return!! Meeting couples at Club E.S.P. is a two-way street, as anywhere
else in life.
It is up to the existing members of the club to
help new prospective couples. In turn it is up to the visiting couples
to make an effort to meet current members. As a club we have many
systems in place to help you break the ice: name tags for everyone,
mixer games, themes, and host couples to help you. Most importantly
though our members are friendly, out going and easy to meet. But it's a
50-50 street, and you have to be willing to do your part to initiate
meetings with people too.
When you attend your first club function, look for a few people whom you
feel you can identify with, introduce yourself and your partner. Later,
if you feel comfortable, ask to exchange phone numbers with them. Remind
them that you are new and don't know many people yet, ask them to
introduce you to some of their friends.
Don't give up after a dance or two, it sometimes takes time to adjust to
a totally new lifestyle. Make sure you don't short-circuit this evolving
process by deciding too soon that it won't work for you. It is natural
to often feel a bit uncomfortable when going through a radical change in
your life such as this, but given enough time, your feeling of comfort
will return so that you can relax and enjoy the lifestyle as others do.
Be open with your partner. Discuss and share your adventures together
and you'll find that in doing so you help others to reach your own
comfort zone sooner.
Sometimes current club members don't call new members right away because
they don't want to push or rush you before you're ready. Then it is
refreshing when the new couple takes the initiative and makes the call.
In fact, usually when an experienced member of the club finds a new
couple interested in them, they go all out and really help them feel at
home by introducing them to many other couples and inviting them to
parties and other functions.
Take some time to consider how your body language comes across to others
as well. At a recent dance I was chatting with a new couple and I asked
them if they were enjoying themselves. They replied: "We don't think the
people are very friendly, as no one has tried to meet us yet." I felt it
was unfair for them to make such a judgment, since not only was this
their first dance, but upon arrival they had immediately isolated
themselves at a table in the furthermost corner, where they sat stiffly,
glaring at anyone who came closer to their table. Because they were too
nervous to smile, it appeared instead that they were scowling. I pointed
this out to them, and suggested instead that they move closer to the
middle of the room. I noticed happily that within about half and hour
they were actively involved in conversation with a group of people and
appeared far more relaxed.
Over the course of your initial few dances you will likely experience a
variety of emotions, some pleasant and some not so pleasant. Remember,
everyone experiences feelings of frustration, envy or jealousy from time
to time and to varying degrees. By keeping the doors of communication
open between yourself, your partner and with others, too, you can help
overcome what are often misplaced or misinterpreted emotions.
Once again though, it's important to remember that you have to give this
process time. Quitting after your first time out because reality didn't
at first match your fantasies, to put it simply, rushing things. Back in
my early school years I was taught: "If at first you don't succeed, try
again." That adage fits very aptly here, too.