For New Couples: You Often Need Some Extra Time
Adapted from an old Club Eros/Silver Chain Newsletter

Each year a number of new couples attend functions at Club E.S.P. seeking new friends for swinging and socializing. But many couples attend only one or two dances and never return. Why?

First, let us look at why couples seek out swinging as a lifestyle. There are many reasons. The most common reason is to share sexual relationships with others. Along with these new sexual adventures, they look for friendships. In swinging, couples can share their sexual pleasures together as a couple.

Swinging is a social activity. Whether attending a party, meeting with another couple privately, or engaging with a single person for a threesome, the participants talk with one another, eat, drink, and laugh, all with the purpose of becoming acquainted in order to sexually enjoy one another. Sexual activity may or may not follow, however. Many swingers have swinging friends they have known for month, even years, that they have not been sexually involved with. Private, clubs, and party houses offer a place to gather to swing. The environment is meant to be one of social warmth and belonging. It is pleasurable to meet new people, friends and acquaintances at a party. Pleasant memories come from lounging, perhaps partially dressed or nude, in a group around the fireplace; talking, listening to music, laughing and warming up to one another. This may happen in a hot tub, Jacuzzi or pool as well. When these social experiences are complimented by enjoyable sexual experience the appeal of swinging is understood.
Though some couple who swing have open marriages and have swinging dates apart, the majority of couples do not date separately. They see swinging as an activity/lifestyle to enjoy together, as a part of their relationship.

With a club like E.S.P. that has a membership of couples ranging in age from 25-55, it seems there should be someone for everyone. Yet, sometimes at our functions, a few new couples attend their first "introductory" dance and are so shy to the the idea of meeting people, they never return!! Meeting couples at Club E.S.P. is a two-way street, as anywhere else in life.

 It is up to the existing members of the club to help new prospective couples. In turn it is up to the visiting couples to make an effort to meet current members. As a club we have many systems in place to help you break the ice: name tags for everyone, mixer games, themes, and host couples to help you. Most importantly though our members are friendly, out going and easy to meet. But it's a 50-50 street, and you have to be willing to do your part to initiate meetings with people too.

When you attend your first club function, look for a few people whom you feel you can identify with, introduce yourself and your partner. Later, if you feel comfortable, ask to exchange phone numbers with them. Remind them that you are new and don't know many people yet, ask them to introduce you to some of their friends.

Don't give up after a dance or two, it sometimes takes time to adjust to a totally new lifestyle. Make sure you don't short-circuit this evolving process by deciding too soon that it won't work for you. It is natural to often feel a bit uncomfortable when going through a radical change in your life such as this, but given enough time, your feeling of comfort will return so that you can relax and enjoy the lifestyle as others do. Be open with your partner. Discuss and share your adventures together and you'll find that in doing so you help others to reach your own comfort zone sooner.

Sometimes current club members don't call new members right away because they don't want to push or rush you before you're ready. Then it is refreshing when the new couple takes the initiative and makes the call. In fact, usually when an experienced member of the club finds a new couple interested in them, they go all out and really help them feel at home by introducing them to many other couples and inviting them to parties and other functions.

Take some time to consider how your body language comes across to others as well. At a recent dance I was chatting with a new couple and I asked them if they were enjoying themselves. They replied: "We don't think the people are very friendly, as no one has tried to meet us yet." I felt it was unfair for them to make such a judgment, since not only was this their first dance, but upon arrival they had immediately isolated themselves at a table in the furthermost corner, where they sat stiffly, glaring at anyone who came closer to their table. Because they were too nervous to smile, it appeared instead that they were scowling. I pointed this out to them, and suggested instead that they move closer to the middle of the room. I noticed happily that within about half and hour they were actively involved in conversation with a group of people and appeared far more relaxed.

Over the course of your initial few dances you will likely experience a variety of emotions, some pleasant and some not so pleasant. Remember, everyone experiences feelings of frustration, envy or jealousy from time to time and to varying degrees. By keeping the doors of communication open between yourself, your partner and with others, too, you can help overcome what are often misplaced or misinterpreted emotions.

Once again though, it's important to remember that you have to give this process time. Quitting after your first time out because reality didn't at first match your fantasies, to put it simply, rushing things. Back in my early school years I was taught: "If at first you don't succeed, try again." That adage fits very aptly here, too.